What it do, you mother-lovin’ jive turkeys and turkettes? It’s me, the super-bad, super-rad Cockblock, and I’m ready to bawk, squawk, and rock your love lives around the block until they’re in tip-top shape. It’s a baaaaad world out there, brothers and sisters, but don’t you fret none; this square-shaped rooster is prepped and primed to give your romantic endeavors a booster. Aww yeah, here it goes!

Tip 1: CLASS IT UP, FOOL

Man what’chu doin, struttin’ around town in that XXXL “Big Dog” tee? Winkin’ at the ladies with those over-sized aviators? Steppin’ to dudes with them busted-ass flip-flops and knee-high Adidas socks? You’re breaking the Mighty Cockblocks’s A-Number-One rule for impressing the opposite sex: class your act up to get your mack up. Seriously, you ain’t gonna get none when you’re sporting them Crocs and capris, so put a little effort into your outfit, son. Folks appreciate a player who peacocks, so wear something snazzy that’ll make your mark remember you long after you’ve vanished back into the night, leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake. For instance: suspenders; sequined fedoras; a dandy walking cane. The list goes on!

Tip 2: SPARE NO EXPENSE

If you’re planning on becoming a primo pimp and undisputed lord of love, then you’re probably looking at spending a pretty penny in the process. Rollin up in rim-spinnin’ Rolls Royces and poppin’ bottles at the club doesn’t come cheap — and neither does maintaining that player-fied persona for the lucky lady or lad in your life — but look at it this way: did you really need to go to grad school? Pshh, like this world even needs another doctor, seriously man, stop thinking about yourself for like one second, even.

Tip 3: RESPECT YO’SELF

Man, how you even gonna let them girls pummel you with all the panties they be throwin’ at you — like 24/7, just an active torrent of panties, constantly falling, like a week’s worth of rain all at once, only the rain is panties — if you can’t even love yourself? Any successful relationship is rooted in self-worth, and you need to recognize and respect that special person you got deep down inside. Do what the Mighty Cockblock does, and start every day by lookin’ in the mirror and saying the following words:

“Hey. Hey you. In the mirror. You handsome motha you. You super-fly, you-the-guy, out-of-sight player you. Guess what. Hey, guess what. You got dis.”

Because you know what?

You do.