Brrring, brrring. Hello? Oh well what do you know it’s just your ol’ pal Cock-around-the-Block with a fresh batch of Internet Tips for all you sad mother ‘effers ain’t got nothin’ better to do than take life advice from a dang ol’ chicken with a website. I kid, I kid; you know Cocky B’s always got your back, bruh.
Now, if there’s one sliver of savory brain bunk that’s guaranteed to take you places on this teeny tiny blue marble, it’s certainly NOT how to leave an outstanding comment on the Internet. WELL GUESS WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT TODAY ANYWAY. Get your emoticons and money-with-angel-wings emojis ready, city slicker: call me Cory, because I’m about to go HAIM (Hard As an Internet Motherf**ker, also a reference to deceased child star Cory Haim RIP angels fly high.)
STEP ONE: ABANDON YOUR MORALS ALL YE WHO ENTER
You know how in every post-apocalyptic movie, Graphic Novel, or piece of Good Morning America fanfiction that I’ve written there are gangs of roaming marauders with rippling muscles, mohawks, and a notable lack of human decency? The Internet is a lot like that, but with fewer muscles and mohawks and a whole lot more pinstriped fedoras and Twilight Sparkle fannypacks. You not going to get to the top comment on that “red panda sneezing” YouTube video if you’re just going to be a nice guy or gal, got it? For example…
WRONG:
Whoa-ho! Call the allergist – someone’s got a case of Spring Fever! : – )
RIGHT:
obama hitler like i/u agree 420
What’s that? Did you just slam your stupid face right into your computer screen from all the crazy turbulence of me being crowned God King And Lord Savior Of The Internet in one fell swoop?? Yes. Yes you did. You should probably go see a doctor now that looks v painful.
STEP TWO: EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU
You might as well swap in that dead ferret you call a hairpiece for a tinfoil cap, because A) literally every other person on the Internet has it out for you, and B) seriously, just embrace it and stop trying to run from it; a lot of very dignified people are bald and they live incredibly fulfilling lives.
Every time you step through the rickety doors of the World Wide Web Saloon, remember this: every Console Cowboy in Cyberspace wants to see you strung up in the, uh, Olde Town Square of…Angelfire Lagoon? Er, enough wild west imagery – my point is: TRUST NO ONE. From the darkest depths of the most eyeball-rotting message boards to the blood-spattered battle royale of (shudder) The Huffington Post’s comment section, ‘Netizens only have their basic, primal interests at heart, and won’t hesitate to throw you under a horse-drawn carriage if it means getting an extra upvote. You’ve been warned.
STEP THREE: EVENTUALLY KILL YOURSELF
Ha ha, no, I’m just playing.
STEP THREE: QUANTITY QUANTITY QUANTITY
They say that Rome wasn’t built in a day. But you know what you can do in a day? Literally comment on every article on TMZ.com with “i hear he dead.” Or tweet at ten thousand brand twitters with pornographic etchings of Sonic the Hedgehog and the Honey Smacks frog. Or register 9000 Reddit accounts and complain about dumb b’s and the friendzone until the soft summer glow of daybreak creeps across your tired eyes, your rigid fingers burning with fatigue, with…accomplishment.
Congratulations, champ: you’re an Internet commenter.
Your mom is probably super proud.
UNTIL NEXT TIME MY BEAKED BROS AND BABES,
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