A cursed toy with a conflicting purpose. A Cockblock doll can harness mystical powers of positive or negative. Will your Cockblock aid you in finding friendship and love, or plunge you and others into isolation and loneliness?
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The power of the CockBlock can now be yours to control! Get a enchanted Cockblock doll for yourself or a friend at the
Stitchmind Store.
Good news! The long requested Cockblock Keychains are finally back in stock and better then before.
This took way to long to make again sorry. But The Stitch said that the old rubber ones weren’t cutting it. We redesigned the keychains to be in with Silver metal instead and replaced the type with a be a die stamp back.
These guys are super sturdy and super sleek. Let your keys open new doors to Cockblock magic.
Get them at the Stitchmind store
Hello all my love-struck friends. Cockblock is here and super excited. Why? Because this month is Valentines day and that means love is in the air. Valentines is a great holiday and giving Valentine cards is just the bee’s knees, but a lot of people I know have trouble finding just the right card to say just the right thing. Have no fear though because who better to give you love life assistance then good old Mighty here. When that special day comes around try giving one of my patented MIGHTY COCKBLOCK VALENTINE CARDS!
Lets start simple. Here is a good one for you desperate and sad folk:
Toss that at your crush and watch the sparks fly. Never mind those restraining orders, remember its a holiday so they don’t count, just like parking in a street cleaning zone.
For those of you who want to send the message of the relationship clear and easy try this one:
This one is sure to be a hit, your numerous would be suitors will sure know whats shaking in your love life right down to their sexy fedoras.
Finally is you have that special someone that you really gotta tell just how much you love them I have this little diddy for you:
Alright! These cards will probably cover you for this years candy gobbling festivities. If you want I will put a few link here so you can get the PRINT READY versions:
Hope that helps you navigate your way though cupid’s twisted assault. Happy Valentines!
Stitchmind Artworks is headed to the Alternative press Expo this week which means COCKBLOCKS will be there too!
We got a few of the limited edition Cockblocks left and we got a bunch of artwork. I’m making a limited run of a print from our “No time for Love” series that was on exhibit in the Cockblock artshow earlier this year:
All the fun is at Table 712 so come on down this weekend.
Cheers,
Salutations, you slick, sly sons of so-and-sos. And daughters. Also daughters of so-and-sos. Don’t you dare say we aren’t about gender inclusivity at Cock & Block Enterprises LLC, whaaaaat!
Pop on your catcher’s mitt you mooks, ‘cause I’m about to pitch some real-life situations at y’all asses. Fastball style. Batter up!
So you somehow found yourself stranded at a high-society art gallery opening, where all the crème-de-la-creative-crèmes are rubbing their bony artist elbows together and saying stuff like “What’s your process?” and “I can’t afford food, can I eat a sponge?” all while trying not to make eye contact with one another. That’s weird! What do you do?! First off, don’t panic, ya hayseed chowderbrain! Wipe that drool from your slack-jawed chin and just follow ol’ Cockblock’s simple life advice.
Even if you can’t make heads or tails outta that eight-foot sculpture of Gary Busey’s teeth constructed completely from circus peanuts, that doesn’t mean you gotta stare at it with all the vacant-eyed dopiness of a Redditor at a women’s lib rally. Simply nodding and muttering syllables beneath your breath is a surefire way to spread the illusion that you’re deeply affected by this art, even if you’re actually just deep in thought about what kind of sinister hell we live in where Netflix would change “My Queue” to “My List.” QUEUE WAS SO MUCH BETTER YOU INSTANT STREAMING IDIOTS DANG.
Treat your art-gazing like a black ops operation: get in, appreciate that piece, then get the fuck out while you’ve still got legs to walk with. Lingering only means two things: either you’re so lost in thought about the artist’s process of recreating Inspector Gadget animation cels entirely from bodily fluid that you’ve just gotta wrap unlock their secrets by pure visual osmosis, or worse, that you’re interested. In. Buying. It. And you’re not! Trust me. Artists are dumb no-nothings that are too cool to sling lattes and too dumb to… I don’t know, invent time travel. If more artists would stop making My Little Pony fanart all the time and pick up a quantum mathematics textbook or two, I could be riding a dinosaur like a comically oversized rodeo bull right about now! Rass’n frass’n good-fer-nothings.
Hands-down, the best thing about going to an art opening is telling the artist you’re interested in their work, then saying “NOT!” while lowering sunglasses onto your face and skateboarding away onto a half-pipe. The second best thing is the FREE BOOZE, BOYEEEEE. Grab yourself a fistful of champagne flutes and drown those suckers faster than the asshole gallery owner can explain the difference between Manet and Monet. UM, if I cared about dead people I’d literally be in a graveyard right now! Ha ha, what a loser.
Uh, because they already have free booze there. Come on, that’s money saved, son. Acting like you ain’t got rent to pay, the hell’s the matter with you. One of these days we gonna have a serious conversation about your financial priorities, geez.
Oh yes, the finer sea of gangly, scruffy-faced suckers in skinny jeans and banged, bangled beauties with bangin’ bods you will never find. Find your target, sidle on up beside them and spit one of the following:
1: “I feel like nobody else
2: “I’ve lived in Brooklyn, Portland,
3: “Do you want to play Truth or Dare and if so I dare you to give me your number ;)”
Works like a charm. Call me Toronto-born actor-turned-rapper Aubrey “Drake” Graham, because you can Thank Me Later.
You know what lies deep beneath that Coffee Bean And Jesus beard? Disappointment. First you’re at an art gallery both pretending you know what the hell a fresco is, next thing you know you’re rolling your eyes because they won’t stop finding ways to work Jeff Mangum into every conversation. Yes, okay, we get it, he resurfaced after years in isolation following an ill-timed nervous breakdown and while he hasn’t produced a substantial amount of new content it’s wonderful that he’s touring with his recently reunited band but damn girl, it is 3AM and I have work tomorrow! You are the worst, girl, for real.
And bada-bing bada-blammo, that is how you properly act at an art gallery, ya dummies.
Until next time!
Were having a blast making new Cockblock goodies to enchant with our mystic Cockblock energies. One thing people have always been asking for is buttons! A great way to for people to show what they stand for with pride.
To keep up with the times Were releasing some special COCKBLOCK button sets to the webstore. We got three button sets available and to make them shine with that special Cockblock spice we are giving them each shocking and inappropriate names!
Cockblock Painty Panty Button Set
The Painty Panty Set comes with a pink Cockblock Button, an “I cockblock you” Photo Button, A rainbow painted cockblock logo button. And and orange button of yours truly. A sultry set for the spice of your life.
Cockblock Hip to be Square Button Set
The Hip to be Square Set comes with a blue Cockblock button, an colored cube wall of Cockblock Button, A ash grey cockblock logo button. And and purple button of me!. A great set for those who want to show others they are on the cutting edge of cockblocking trends.
Cockblock Cosmic Thrusting Button Set
The Cosmic Thrusting Set comes with a Yellow Cockblock button, an pink cube stack Cockblock Button, A Purple Spaaaace Cockblock logo button. And and green button of yours truly. An out of this world set to blow minds away with the power of the Cock!
These are all up in the store now so grab some today.
Last week the DOMA got eaten by our americuh governments which is a victory for love (or at least marriage revenue)…
Our Murderous-and-best-not-mentioned Friends over at Everything Goes Cold Were so excited about it they had a little party, and I went to check it out. Mighty is all about the expression of looooove:
Hahaha those guys are such cards.
With our new design of the doll rolling out, Some of you might be wondering:
“But Mighty Cockblock! How will I be able to tell which version of Cockblock Doll I have?”
Well I have made this handy guide to show you the rundown:
To start, Take your Cockblock doll and flip it upside down. Then put your face in its butt. Reallyyyy close. After some time you will realize you look like a total idiot, but you will also realize that there is a little white tag in the back that features the logo of our esteemed management company Stitchmind Artworks. These tags will represent the age and type of Cockblock you have.
Well then what kind of Stitchmind tag do you see?
I have a long ribbon like tag and the font is painted on.
Well now! if you have this tag you have yourself a rare first edition Cockblock! Chances are if you have one of these you were into our Cockblocks years ago way back in the day when The Stitch and I were but small peddlers, selling our cocky magics like crude snake-oil salesmen before our online blog was erected.
Maybe you got it from us from some doofy convention or at a dark bar while drunk one night or maybe you woke up one day and found it in your bed like a an old horse head left by a friend. Either way stand proud because you are the pioneer of supporting Cockblock Magic and that entitles you to be awesome. Congrats trendsetter!
Well these will probably be more common then the fists edition tags. What you got there is a bonafide classic Cockblock. These guys were made a few years after our first editions and make up the backbone of our Cockblock foundation (construction joke, we sometimes build little forts with them).
If you have one of these chances are you have been into Cockblock for a little while now and you’ve probably heard the joke: “It would be funny if I threw this thing at (name of your annoying friend)’s head next time I see them” a couple times now. You may even have been into Cockblock before the Blog as well. Don’t worry though, your doll’s Cockblock magics are still blazing strong.
Well you can probably tell just by looking at it but you have yourself a brand new Modern Cockblock. Think of it as the new car of the Cockblock Doll kingdom sleek, sexy, and aerodynamic (probably not that last one…at all). As We stated we only recently started making these so they will be uncommon now but we will be making more later on. Just remember your Cockblock is top of the line just like you! Go you.
WHAT! There’s no tag?! How can this be? Well I hate to inform you buddy but you bought an imposter! A fake, a dud, a lemon, and a hoax all rolled into one. Where could such an abomination come from? Did you visit China and get some sort of “Cuckbluck” bootleg? Or maybe your crafty friend made you a bogus one from spare quilting parts. Well friend I hate to inform you but a fake Cockblock is not only of questionable Quality, it will also have absolutely NO Cockblock Magic powers in it at all. Making them useless.
I would hide it from sight (unless your shameful friend actually did make it with you then you should keep it around so you don’t hurt their feelings) and just watch out to make sure authentic Cockblock users don’t catch you and ridicule you for your shameful gimpy clone.
Cockblock Dolls are pouring out of the headquarters like a slow unstoppable wave of molasses. I bring pangs of Joy to my hear to see fans and follwers using their Cockblock Dolls to their fullest extent.
We are never complacent however! In our never ending strive for better quality Cockblocking times, We are rolling out a new redesign for the standard white Cockblock.
As you can see the new dolls will feature big cute eyes and a higher quality surface exterior so you can rub you face all over that thang! They also get advanced wing definition and a more “blocky” feel. Mind blowing. With these new dolls, Cockblock magic can be amplified by bazillions!
You can get a new doll at our NEW SHOP! grab one today and join in the Cockblock magic.
Brrring, brrring. Hello? Oh well what do you know it’s just your ol’ pal Cock-around-the-Block with a fresh batch of Internet Tips for all you sad mother ‘effers ain’t got nothin’ better to do than take life advice from a dang ol’ chicken with a website. I kid, I kid; you know Cocky B’s always got your back, bruh.
Now, if there’s one sliver of savory brain bunk that’s guaranteed to take you places on this teeny tiny blue marble, it’s certainly NOT how to leave an outstanding comment on the Internet. WELL GUESS WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT TODAY ANYWAY. Get your emoticons and money-with-angel-wings emojis ready, city slicker: call me Cory, because I’m about to go HAIM (Hard As an Internet Motherf**ker, also a reference to deceased child star Cory Haim RIP angels fly high.)
You know how in every post-apocalyptic movie, Graphic Novel, or piece of Good Morning America fanfiction that I’ve written there are gangs of roaming marauders with rippling muscles, mohawks, and a notable lack of human decency? The Internet is a lot like that, but with fewer muscles and mohawks and a whole lot more pinstriped fedoras and Twilight Sparkle fannypacks. You not going to get to the top comment on that “red panda sneezing” YouTube video if you’re just going to be a nice guy or gal, got it? For example…
WRONG:
Whoa-ho! Call the allergist – someone’s got a case of Spring Fever! : – )
RIGHT:
obama hitler like i/u agree 420
What’s that? Did you just slam your stupid face right into your computer screen from all the crazy turbulence of me being crowned God King And Lord Savior Of The Internet in one fell swoop?? Yes. Yes you did. You should probably go see a doctor now that looks v painful.
You might as well swap in that dead ferret you call a hairpiece for a tinfoil cap, because A) literally every other person on the Internet has it out for you, and B) seriously, just embrace it and stop trying to run from it; a lot of very dignified people are bald and they live incredibly fulfilling lives.
Every time you step through the rickety doors of the World Wide Web Saloon, remember this: every Console Cowboy in Cyberspace wants to see you strung up in the, uh, Olde Town Square of…Angelfire Lagoon? Er, enough wild west imagery – my point is: TRUST NO ONE. From the darkest depths of the most eyeball-rotting message boards to the blood-spattered battle royale of (shudder) The Huffington Post’s comment section, ‘Netizens only have their basic, primal interests at heart, and won’t hesitate to throw you under a horse-drawn carriage if it means getting an extra upvote. You’ve been warned.
Ha ha, no, I’m just playing.
STEP THREE: QUANTITY QUANTITY QUANTITY
They say that Rome wasn’t built in a day. But you know what you can do in a day? Literally comment on every article on TMZ.com with “i hear he dead.” Or tweet at ten thousand brand twitters with pornographic etchings of Sonic the Hedgehog and the Honey Smacks frog. Or register 9000 Reddit accounts and complain about dumb b’s and the friendzone until the soft summer glow of daybreak creeps across your tired eyes, your rigid fingers burning with fatigue, with…accomplishment.
Congratulations, champ: you’re an Internet commenter.
Your mom is probably super proud.
UNTIL NEXT TIME MY BEAKED BROS AND BABES,
Hello my round-headed comrades. Mighty Cockblock will be coming to Fanime con again this year for great times and anime convention fun. I’m so excited I’m putting on my ANIME EYES!
… Maybe not then.
Once again our evil corporate master Stitchmind Artworks, will be in the Artist Alley. I haven’t gotten the table number yet but check out this map and find us in the main art pool.
Were gonna will have lots of fun new Cockblock goodies and surprises I hear. Including NEW COCKBLOCK Necklaces:
Adorn your sexy chest with the pride of Cockblock! Hope to see you guys there.
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