Well, well, well, look what the metaphorical cat dragged in: another hot, heapin’ helpin’ of life advice from “ya boi” Cockblock, the hip rooster guy here to make your life super fly, one dope-ass rhyme at a time. Believe it.
Now dear reader(s??), you know what really grinds my figurative gears? (“No, we don’t know, but we’d love to be humbled by your luscious, throbbing frustrations, Cocky-B!” – You) When suckers are bumbling all over social media like they don’t know what a damn hashtag is. When a pea-brained buffoon tweets about brunch and doesn’t even include a TwitPic link to that delectable eggs benedict he’s ravin’ about, like it’s the end-all-be-all of eggs benedict and I’m a lesser man for not being there while he gently pricks the yolk as it drizzles down the sides of a perfectly toasted English muffin, lightly blackened like a Cockney chimneysweep’s soot-stained cheeks and crisp as a spring morning, but he still can’t be bothered to take a damn photo. Consider my gears ground the fuck down, also Cockblock may have skipped lunch today.
So with that in mind, I’d like to run over some of the…
TIP 1: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING
What up, boo? You’re in line at the UPS Store and it’s taking unfathomably long for that old-ass Armenian woman to mail that box of “I could give a shits” to “Wherever The Fuck, USA”? Why are you tellin’ me about it and not everyone else on the Internet? Here’s the 411, hon: the Old Internet Gods awoke from their millennia-long slumber to bless us with Tweeters, FaceBorks, and so ons and so forths so that we, their humble servants, can fuel their apocalyptic powers by talking incessantly about our day-to-day lives on the Blogosphere. So every time you just think the phrase
“Could this line be any slower? #sigh”
instead of tweeting that shiz, that’s wasted energy that could be spent pleasing the online gods… ushering the many-tentacled return of T’weet D’ek, Consumer Of Souls And Implied Eye-Rolls, Also Herald To The End Of All-Times. Mwah hahaha..eh…
Also, isn’t the UPS Store just the worst? #tellmeaboutit
TIP 2: THERE’S NO FACE BUT DUCK FACE
A peacock doesn’t have that a-ma-zing plumage so they can be all hiding it, acting meek and self-conscious, so why aren’t you puckering your lips like the goddamn Ugly Duckling every time you snap a selfie in the bathroom mirror? Trill talk: there ain’t no modesty on the Internet – hell, it’s pretty much the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, amirite fellas? This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about — so pout them luscious lips, squeeze them teats together, show off that six-pack, bend over like you lost a contact lens, and watch your FaceBarg friend count rise higher than the state of Colorado. #kindoftopicaljoke #weed420dankpotsmoke #rememberwhenthathappened
TIP 3: GRAM LIKE NO ONE’S WATCHING
Hey. Hey pal. We, uh, we noticed that your Instantgram account is lookin’ pretty sparse. Lookin’ pretty bone dry. Like a bone stranded in the desert, parched from thirst, and without a canteen-full of life-giving liquid to slake its bony thirst. What we’re getting at is, your phone has way too many freaking cameras on it, and you can’t even be bothered to tweet a sepia-filtered photo of your feet standing over an empty Pabst can with a #citylife hashtag after it? It’s a damn universal fact that if you didn’t upload a snapshot of it to your social network, it never happened, so you’re literally living in an empty void of inactivity for every waking moment you’re not snapping pseudo-Polaroids with your smartphone. #truthbombs
Phew, all that advice-giving’s got me plum tuckered. Tuckered as a plum, I tell you what. But if you want to be the Crowned GodKing of Social Media – and #whodoesnt? — just remember Cockblock’s Top-O’-The-Line Twitter Tips and you will soon be the master of your own damn destiny…in 140 characters or less.
Until next time, Cockbros!
